Supporting a Loved One's Coming Out
Supporting a Loved One Who Comes Out as Gay, Lesbian, or Transgender: A Guide for Families
When a child or family member comes out as gay, lesbian, or transgender, it can be a significant moment for everyone involved. While it’s a time of vulnerability for your loved one, it can also bring about a mix of emotions for parents, grandparents, and extended family members.
Remember that everyone’s journey is different. To assume that you know exactly what they are going through is shortsighted and not useful. If this “news” feel unsettling to you in any way, take a step back and garner an attitude of listening with love as you seek to understand your loved one in new, deeper and more authentic ways.
Remember that their journey may have also initiated a new journey of discovery for you too. So, be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to process, ask questions, share concerns when appropriate and most of all LISTEN. This could be a beautiful journey for both of you leading to a stronger more compassionate and authentic relationship.
Here are some practical ways to provide love, understanding, and support during this important journey.
1. Listen Without Judgment
The act of coming out often takes tremendous courage. Your loved one may have spent weeks, months, or even years building up the confidence to share their truth with you. When they do, make an effort to listen fully without interrupting, offering advice, or questioning their feelings.
Simple phrases like, “Thank you for sharing this with me,” or “I know this took a lot of courage for you to share” or “I love you as I always have” can go a long way in showing your initial support.
2. Educate Yourself
It’s natural to have questions or feel uncertain, especially if this is new territory for you. Take the initiative to learn about LGBTQ+ identities, terminology, and experiences. This helps you better understand and empathize with your loved one while also avoiding unintentionally hurtful misconceptions. Asking questions about your loved one’s unique experience is more useful that sharing biases, quotes or anecdotal stories about other peoples’ journeys may fall short or not be aligned with your loved ones’ own experience.
There are many reputable books, articles, and organizations, such as PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), that offer excellent resources.
3. Acknowledge Your Own Feelings
Hearing a loved one come out might stir up a range of emotions, including confusion, fear, or even grief for expectations you may have had. It’s important to allow yourself to process these feelings while not projecting them onto your loved one. Consider talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group to work through your emotions in a constructive way.
Remember, your feelings matter, but they should never come at the expense of your loved one’s comfort or safety. Their coming out is THEIR journey and THEIR news to share. Never breach that trust without their permission, however uncomfortable it may feel to you.
4. Affirm and Celebrate Them
Coming out is a milestone worth celebrating. Let your loved one know how proud you are of them for being authentic and sharing this part of themselves. Affirm their identity by using their correct or chosen name and pronouns (if applicable) and expressing your unwavering love and support. Remember that this may be “new news” to you but they have likely been struggling for some time and it has taken an enormous amount of soul-searching and courage to share their truth with you.
Over time, small gestures, such as attending LGBTQ+ pride events together or incorporating inclusive traditions into family life, can also demonstrate your acceptance.
5. Recognize the Challenges They Face
For many LGBTQ+ individuals, coming out is just one step in navigating a world that can still be challenging, hostile or even dangerous. Acknowledge the courage it takes to be themselves and let them know you’re in their corner. If they face discrimination or difficulties, offer to advocate for them or help them find resources, such as LGBTQ+-friendly counselors or support networks.
6. Avoid Harmful Phrases or Reactions
Even well-meaning comments can unintentionally hurt. Try to avoid saying things like:
“Are you sure?”
“It’s just a phase.”
“This doesn’t change anything for me,” (which can minimize their experience).
Instead, focus on affirming their feelings and letting them lead the conversation.
7. Model Inclusive Behavior for Younger Family Members
As a parent, grandparent, or elder, your response can set the tone for how the rest of the family reacts. By modeling love, respect, and openness, you create a safer, more supportive environment for your loved one and any others who may still be finding their own voice or sorting out their own biases.
8. Be Patient and Open to Growth
It’s okay not to have all the answers right away. What matters most is your willingness to learn and grow alongside your loved one. Mistakes may happen, but approaching each situation with kindness and a commitment to do better makes all the difference.
9. Lean on Support Networks
You don’t have to navigate this alone. Many parents and families have walked this path and can offer guidance, support, and community. Joining a group like PFLAG or seeking out local LGBTQ+ community resources can be an invaluable way to connect with others who understand.
10. Always Lead with Love
At the heart of your response should be unconditional love and respect. Your loved one isn’t asking you to change who you are—they’re inviting you to embrace who they are. By showing them that they are accepted and cherished, you help strengthen your bond and lay the foundation for a positive and affirming family system.
Final Thoughts
Remember, the fact that your loved one chose to share their identity with you is a sign of trust and love. By meeting their courage with compassion, you can create a stronger, more connected relationship and show them that they have an unwavering source of support in their family.