The In-Between

I don't like the in-between. It's difficult. It’s confusing.
I feel unsettled - not wanting to be as I was or am but not quite yet what I hope to be.

Perhaps we all do a bit of image crafting. We create personas that reflect and incorporate who we think we should be, who we wish we were and who we think other want or need us to be. The problem is that eventually the pain of life begins to scrape away at the "exterior self" and the substrate of our life begins to show. Sometimes others don't notice. As a child when I'd spill something on my shirt Mom would quickly clean it up with Kleenex and spit and tell me, "Walk fast, no one will notice." Today I feel like that approach has been the one I've adopted for parts of my life. If I smile and am charming when I'm actually feeling very broken inside, it's like "walking fast" so no one will notice or ask any questions.

Desiring to live in a more authentic way now includes more honesty - Honesty about myself, my feelings, my hurts, my hopes, my deepest desires, my sexuality and my faith. All parts need to coexist. It feels like a pruning process. Sometimes it’s more like a butchering. Other times it feels like a gentle covert operation of change. I'm not even always sure what I'm feeling. I’m just feeling. Often the “weather” of emotion seems erratic, other days depressing, sometimes just confusing.

I take courage in knowing that I’m not as I once was. In the in-between I can lean in, celebrate all the ways I’ve evolved and transmuted. I can remind myself that it’s not over yet! There is still so much life to be lived and I can do that with heart-centered and mindful self-compassion.

On days I hate the in-between I pray for the grace to live in what can feel like “contradiction land.”

A Prayer for the In-Between

Give me courage to embrace the mystery of the in-between.
Patience with the process as old things die.
Hope as new things germinate.

Give me grace enough for the in-between.
Acceptance as I let go of all that no longer works.
Compassion for myself as I become someone new.

Give me hope for the in-between.
Insight to recognize the stories I've been playing.
Vision to create new ones.

Give me love in the in-between.
Unconditional, pervasive, connective love like a river.
Water of life nourishing every boundary and shore of my being.

Give me faith for the in-between.
Belief that amazing things lie within and beyond the mystery.
A quiet confidence that even now, all is well.

In the in-between may I know -

Courage
Patience
Hope
Grace
Acceptance
Compassion
Insight
Vision
Love
Faith
Confidence